Pissing off the Chaplains...

Rarely, I have met a patient I don't like.

Rarely, but I did today.

Patient explodes with her testimony (life story of her faith) and how much she loves the Lord, then precedes to unload on her neighbor at home. "How that skunk is using people and soooo mean, but I am going to win that skunk for the Lord and solve this problem."

Then continues her diatribe and jealousy (because the neighbor is getting all his attention, that ole' biddy! and not her). What has happened to Christians who have become such a total pain the butt. Think someone owes them something. With arrogant preachers "naming and claiming" all kinds of authority and power they don't really have.

I remember as a teenager our pastor teaching us that as Christians we have given our will and authority away...to a higher authority. That I am not in charge of my life. I am to be surrended to the Lord-mind, body and spirit. Granted it is easier said than done, but it's still true and makes for gracious, humble followers of Jesus versus the neighbor of the skunk.

I wonder if she ever looked inward and thought about the reason her neighbor is a skunk because she's the skunk's butt....

Highly skilled, lowly tech-ed?

There is a building fire and crankiness in me. Can anyone tell me why I have better technology in my house than I have at the office? I work in a hospital that the community and it's patient demand to have to highest level of equipment and service and the technology we have is 15 years behind the times.

I AM THE ONLY PERSON I MY HOSPITAL WHO CHARTS BY COMPUTER. The Doctor's don't. Case management doesn't. We have email. Welcome to the 80's!

We have T1 internet assess. So does EVERY elementary school in America. BIG Deal! I almost have that at home.

I have a cell phone with messaging and video. At the hospital we have nothing! Oh, I have a pager...

The software we use is DOS based crap. DOS! Remember that crapola. It is cumbersome. It does not even word wrap. It is not intuitive. Even Microsoft could build better crap than Meditech. Damn, even hackers could do that.

We have offices that still have Windows 98 on their desktops that don't interact with the overall system. I have XP thankfully.

It's pissing me off.

I want wireless handheld PDA to chart and react to emergent needs and track patients. I want everyone using the same equipment with instant access and communication between disciplines and offices in the hospital. I want Internet access in every room for patients and phones that dial out long distance. How come I have unlimited long distance for $20 a month and the hospital has nothing for patients. What crap!

Sometimes I feel I am in a third world country working in the highest skilled, highest need industry in the world with low tech tools.

I had better tech in the former local church I served in with laptops, projectors, video on demand, wireless access, high speed internet access, cutting edge computers and software...makes you wonder.

I just want to be friends!

It is not easy to avoid getting involved in some patients situation.

I walk into a very quiet, dark patients' room. He is laying there very quietly. States he was like to have a visit.

"Sir, why are you here in the hospital?"

"I have a lot of stress in my life and everything is collapsing around me. The doctor's think I have had a heart attack or a stroke and I probably did. But it's the stress that's killing me."

"What kind of stress are you talking about?"

"My wife left me and ever since then things are going bad. I have been having chest pains and breathing problems. This is the first time I have been in the hospital." He starts crying....

"Sounds like you are here for a broken heart."

"That's what I think also. I don't know what happened. All I know is that my wife now tells me that she just wants to be friends. Can you believe that?"

"Just wants to be friends?" Oh no. Don't women know that the meanest, sickest, most sadistic thing you can say to a man is "I just want to be friends." Honestly, tell me I'm fat. Tell me you hate me. Tell me that my mother makes you sick, but never never never never tell me you just want to be friends.

We talked for quite awhile and then the phone rings. 'Bob' answers the phone. It's his wife calling to see how he is. "No, I can't come see you." "Then why did you call me?" "Oh, just to see how you are and let you know I care." "If you cared, you'd come see me..."

Diagnosis: Heart Attack Reality: Broken Heart

shaky theology that makes me go hmmm!

"I know I am going to learn something from this, chaplain" the patient says with a voice of hopefulness and determination.

But the more I do this and the more I hear this the less I believe it. Where does it say that we learn stuff from the things life brings us?

The Bible maybe? "Thou shalt learn stuff..." Don't think so.
Buddhism? Need to detach. Islam? Nope. Allah does as He wills. Karma?

What amazes me is when I ask what they think that they might learn no one has an answer for me. I am not trying to be a jerk. I sure someone will think that, but get real. That statement means to me that God or a higher power or force or nature has a plan and if I pay attention I will learn something. I am just not buying it. The chaplain is becoming a cynic? Maybe, but I think it is deeper than that. Why do we have to learn something? What exactly is the point of that? Is God the ultimate stern taskmaster? Like the catholic school nuns I hear about from so many catholic patients? I hope not. What a jerk she would be! Is it this undying optimism of poeple that are always looking for the rosy picture? Could be! Or is it bad theology? I think it's the latter.

Patient gets cancer and says God is trying to teach me something. YEAH, like you should not have started smoking when you were 14 and did it for the last 40 years. Nah, it can't be that because an "educated" person should have learned that at....well, maybe, 14 and an half or 15 at the latest. So now if at 54 you have finally learn the smoking kills congratulations. What a freaking waste of a life. Some people never learn a damn thing...until it's too late.

Standing down

I am on my way home from duty in New Orleans. There are many feeling of ambivalence. Lots of stories. Incredible work and need. Political cluelessness, two many chiefs, territory battles and devastation that is beyond description. I also feel very honored to have been there. This has been sacred work.

Won't be surprised if I get called back. Need some time to unwind and decompress my spirit, my emotions and my life. Can't wait to see my family...

Favorite patient of the Week

It is counter intuitive to even think that a chaplain would quantify or qualify patients as favorite or least favorite or avoid if possible. Duh! This is not that. This is just a patient and her husband that made my day and still puts a smile on my face.

"Good afternoon, I'm the chaplain. I was wondering if I could visit with you for a while?"

"You're the chaplain? Com'on in. We are not happy and you're exactly who we need to talk to!"

Uh'oh I think to my stay, like a lamb being led to the slaughtor. Being the proud little chaplain I am I keep moving towrds the patient and sit down on the bed near them.

"How can I help you?"

"Well, you need to tell someone or maybe WE'LL JUST TELL YOU! They have 20 minutes to come see me or I am going to leave!!"

"Ma'am, I think I missed something. Can you tell me what is happening?"

"I came here this morning because I might have had a heart attack and I've been here for 3 hours and they have 20 more minutes and then we are leaving."

"You might have had a heart attack?"

"Maybe. Chaplain, I have a life you know and we have plans. So could you tell someone to get that doctor and get him in here to check me out, so I can go home. I have a life and we've got plans tonight." HEr husband adds: "That's right. We just don't sit in the house and do nothing you know!"

I check my census and see that the patient is 97 years old and clearly alert and active. I start to smile and hold back a laugh on amazement.

"If can be very frustrating when you feel that the care team is ignoring you."

"That's right! It is frustrating. I'm 97 years old. I don't know how many years I have left, but I am NOT SPENDING them here waiting! I mean, I drove myself here last night and I can drive myself home."

"Yes, ma'am I am sure you could. I would hope you would not do that, but I am sure you could...Ma'am, did you say that you drove yourself here last night?"

"Yes, I did." She says matter of factly. "I started having chest pains; called my doctor and he told me to go to the Emergency Room to be checked out. So I drove myself here."

"How did your husband get here?"

"He drove himself later after they admitted me." Now I am laughing lightly in shock and adoration and fear, thinking to myself exactly what am I going to tell a 97 year old lady to do or not do. "Just because I am 97 does not mean I don't have a life!"

"No ma'am. "

"My husband is 97 years old, though I am older than him." "By six months" he adds. "That's right!" she counters.

"You are telling me that both 97 years old and both drive and have an active life."

"Yes, we do and we re not spending it here!"

"God bless you both. I'll talk to your nurse and inform them as to the situation."

"Thank you chaplain. you have been very helpful."

"You're welcome. Have a great day." I know you have made mine. I say to myself...

From the home front...a compliment ...I think?!

Part of the work of a chaplain is to visit every new 'admit' to the hospital to assess their spiritual needs. It's not a secretive or hidden thing. It is about treating the whole person-mind, body and soul. It's about good care and support.

One of the givens is "you never know who you are going to meet!" Imagine cold calling sick people all day long.... Actually I love the ministry. I consider it sacred work.

That being said....

"Hi, I'm the Chaplain. Can I be of service or support to you?" The patient is in the fetal position watching a DVD on his laptop. He looks 24, but is in his 50's. He is very thin.

"I doubt it. I'm not sure anyone can help me. I'll be alright. This is not the first time or the last time I will be in the hospital."

"That sounds very serious?"

"Only since I was eight." So he has a sarcastic sense of humor and outlook. "You don't want to hear about it."

"Maybe I'd surprise you, tell me your story if you want to..."

Over the next 15 minutes I get a detailed, comprehensive life story of significant and somewhat tradegic medical illnesses and complications.

"What really ticks me off is when nurses and doctors don't listen to me. I guess you are here because I had a melt down today. You probably heard about it?" "No, I haven't." And I had not, sometimes the chaplain does here the bad news about a non-compliant patient and 'gets sent in to fix it.' Or at least the nursing team tries. I am not a cop or the enforcer of civility. Sometimes patients get angry for a wide variety of reasons, low coping skills, pain (big deal), medicine reactions, family conflict, grief and loss issues, and much much more. The anger is a symptom of something else. Instead of focusing on the cause we tend to focus on the explosion. The explosion is about carnage; the cause is much deeper and healing that will make a significant difference.

"I would imagine it is really annoying to think that people are not listening to you and that you don't know your own body?"

"Exactly, that makes me nuts and it's why I went off. It was wrong and I have apologized, but people need to listen."

"It seems so basic and simplistic. I am sorry you were mistreated. We are all human. We all have good moments and bad moments. Our goal is to provide high quality care. I'm sorry."

"Wow, I have to tell you that I honestly don't have a kind word to say about ministers or chaplains; in fact, most of them irritate me. But you're not that horrible...and I mean that in a good way."

"I'll try harder next time, thank you for the complement."

More bad news from New Orleans

that you are NOT hearing.

1. The NO police are out of control. Every home boy, good ole boy and in-law has a Police badge; a temporary badge and ultimate power. God help us all. Our patrol caught a 'badge' with a stolen car, called the PD and no one came. After an hour had to let him go. "I'm a cop, you have no right." Two hours later we get him driving around looking for trouble and stop him again. This time the NOPD show up and take the car and let the guy go. What a bunch of crap.
2. The poverty and disparity of the have's and have not's is glearing and obvious.
3. This city is a 1000 accidents wanting to happen. Tomorrow residents start coming back into the city and people are going to die. There is hardly an hospital open to treat people with 'ordinary' and major medical issues; electrical lines are still on the ground; there is illness and sickness all around us. It's an apocalypatic B movie gone bad.
4. This is a corrupt city. We see it all around us.

I may be leaving soon as my tour ends. I am conflicted. We are doing good work, but this is a huge mess that no politician, leader or company is going to fix easily. What a huge mess!

Doing scared work door to door...

Making rounds throughout the City

Perspective counts!

Feel grateful to have facilities this good.

Who you going to believe?

What you are not being told and what is falsely being stated is that the body count is lower than expected. We did not believe that. We want to, but we don't. I have no joy or aganda in saying that. But what the media, CNN, FOX, CBS, NBC and ABC are reporting is not accurate.

Why do I know that to be true?

We are not doing body recovery. The military is not. Contractors have been hired to do that. We are still looking for people who are alive and dead. We are marking houses as to the living and the dead. We are also only going into homes that are open. Any house with closed doors and windows we are not entering. Only the police have authority to enter the latter. So the body count is lower than expected, gratefully, because the houses and homes that are open have no one in them. They have already left or died outside in the flood. We don't know. We will never know.

The mood among the troops is that this is going to be much worse than reported.

We as Americans seem to always want to hope for good news, support the underdog, rally 'round the flag. The is only Day 12 or so. The water is still high. Most of the homes have not been entered. A chaplain's job is also to speak the unspeakable; not out of anger or hate or hurt, but "to go there," to talk to the elephant in the room.

I hope and pray I am wrong...

Recovery duty

With the Guard recovering our neighbors from the disasters. To say the least, this is tough duty, but necessary.

This is sacred work.

Spiritual Care and TV Land

I have no agenda in patient visit mainly because the visit and care is not about me. Plus, I never know what I am going to encounter from the patient and/or their family. Patients come to the
hospital for a large variety of the reasons. Some come because they are really sick ("you have to earn(sic) way in the hospital."). Some come because of elective surgeries and require care. Many come because of lifestyle related medical conditions; i.e., smoking, alcohol, drugs. Some come because of tradegy: car accident, natural disaster, etc. Some come because of violence: domestic, criminal, you get the drift. Plus, there are many more reasons. Assessing a patient's spiritual needs in relation to their beliefs and values is interesting, subjective, fluid work. But what I encountered yesterday rates as off the chart.

I walk into a senior lady's room and before I can finish introducing myself she states "If Highway to Heaven (TV show) doesn't come on that TV soon I am going to leave. I want my channel 53. I can't find channel 53. My TV at home has it; how come I don't have it here in the hospital?"

"Ma'am, we have that channel on our TV and I am sure Highway to Heaven will eventually be on."

"You had better be right or I'm leaving!"

"Yes, ma'am!"

"Ok"

On the ground in the Big Easy!

I am on site and ready for deployment. I must admit that I have several levels of emotions and feelings. I know I am where I need to be and the stories that the troops are telling are harrowing. Most of them will (hopefully) never make it to the News. It is a good thing that all of the Officials are preparing the Country for some very tough news about the number and circumstances of the dead.

There are people who are being found alive, and dead, in the attics even today.

Tomorrow I will be in the middle of it providing comfort and care to the troops and the victims. Pray for us all!

Katrina call-up

One of the Soul Docs has been called up to go to New Orleans to help provide spiritual care to the Evacuees and troops. The call-up is for 2-3 weeks, but with the military few things are 2-3 weeks.
"What an awesome opportunity to serve and hopefully make a difference."

Emergency Medical Credential...

While on duty this afternoon one of our ICU nurses informs me that she is going to New Orleans to help with disaster relief. My initial reaction is utter joy, then jealousy (I want to go!), but then quickly followed by happiness. In her hands is her Emergency Medical Credential form to complete and fax to officials in La and Mississippi to approve and then she is on her way.

"Maggie, I don't know what your tradition is, but if I can take a risk I would like to bless your work and lay my hands on you and offer a blessing because you are doing the Lord's work."

Tears trickle down her face..."I feel so blessed to go. I wish I could do more."

"You honor your call and you honor us. I feel so proud that you are going. Please know we are going with you!"

"Thank you, chaplain. I love my work here, but I know this will make a difference."

Go in peace with God's speed Maggie.

Hurricane Katrina

Jesus wept! John 16:33