Pushed by a friend...

So I haven't written in four months. I have cared, but not enough.

I have had to face some things about why and wasn't really in the mood.

I actually have a lot I would like to record, but we'll see what really happens.

The reasons I haven't written are several:
1. In the last two months I have had my third bout with cancer papillary thyroid carcinoma. I have gone from diagnosis, tests, surgery, recovery, new daily medicine, a T3, radioactive iodine 131 ablation treatment, which included a 24 stay in the hospital (which incidently was one more hour in the hospital than my thyroid surgery,) and just today started my new lifelong medicine, a T4 called synthroid.

I feel I have been doing ok, cancer seems like a weird friend...like being in an abusive relationship. And yes, that's not good...BFD! Deal with it.

2. A patient, who had become a friend named "Bob," died after a 'supposed' routine surgery. There is not routine surggery. I am not saying that there was anything wrong about the surgery or the team that performed it, I am saying that internally I am mad at MEDICINE in general and my profession in particular and grieving my friend's loss, specifically.

We had become friends, sent emails, played hearts online in leagues together, talked about life, dreams, family. Bob was 52. He played a mean guitar, was a total geek, brought his laptop to the hospital for every admit. We laughed and cried together. Talked about dying and living with a disease that could take one's life. I helped him write out his Last Will and Testament. He had been a grandfather for about a year and just found out he was going to be one again.

Bob had COPD, what used to called Emphysema. Had been in the hospital more times than I can number. Lost his marriage, his home, his job and ultimately his life from this disease. I miss Bob. I still have his contact info in my rolodex and computer. I have tried several times to "hit" delete on it, but can't.